drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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