I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
