so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
