I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
