You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
