i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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