Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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