What did we do last night that was yellow?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
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