i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
