My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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