i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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