i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
