party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
