i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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