I accidentally had phone sex last night
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
