dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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