there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
