i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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