My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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