I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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