were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
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You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
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He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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