My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
