I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
