walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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