I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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