I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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