Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
