I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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