I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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