I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
