he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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