Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
