You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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