If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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