Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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