you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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