I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
