last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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