hell yes lets make some ravioli
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
