what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
