I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
