I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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