I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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