I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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