On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
