Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
