I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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