there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
farters have to be the big spoon...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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