so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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