Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
