new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I did not marry a roomba.
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