I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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