You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
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Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
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Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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